7 secrets from experts to overcome bullies at work

7 secrets from experts to overcome bullies at work7 secrets from experts to overcome bullies at workTheyyell. They threaten. You thought you left them behind when you graduated from school but turns out adulthoodhas no shortage of bullies. Sinceage 4 youvereceived a lot of different advice on how to deal with them. It was well-intentioned but often contradictory fight back or just give them what they want and theyll go away. Neither really fixes the problem.So what actually works? What wont make you a doormat or turn you into a bully yourself? Well, weve covered how to deal withnarcissists, passive-aggressives and subclinical psychopaths. Lets tackle bullies. (Preferably before they tackle us.)Albert Bernstein has been a clinical psychologist for 30 years and is one of the top workplaceconsultants on dealing with nightmare employees. Hes the author ofEmotional Vampires Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry. And he has a lot to teach us about handlingthe bullying vampires at work.Alr ight, lets get to it, Van Helsing. . .1. Get verificationJust because you feel like an innocent victim does elend make you an innocent victim. (The bully probably thinks theyre the victim.) Before you do anything, talk to co-workers about whats going on.You need to be sure youre not being oversensitive or theres not a legit problem youre unaware of.Do your homework and be sure rather than merely relying on your subjective interpretation.Did smart, objective co-workers confirm that the jerk is a confirmed jerk? Okay then. Now its know thy enemy time.From Emotional Vampires Dealing With People Who Drain You DryIf you have to deal with Bullies, its helpful to find out as much as possible about their previous modus operandi. They are seldom creative enough to come up with something new.What have they done in the past? (Hopefully the answer is not Beat Gary from accounting with a tire iron.) Do they make good on threats? If theyre senior management, do they fire people in retaliation or just try to make their victimsso miserable they quit? Or are they all talk and forget about their tirades the next day?Know what to expect and you wont be surprised. And youll have a better idea of how to maneuver.(To learn how to deal with psychopaths and other toxic people, click here.)Okay, you know thy enemy. Is it time to call HR? Should you report your boss to their boss?2. Unless its extreme, dont expect awhite knightObviously, if the bullying is serious enough, you need to report it.If someone touches you, makes physical threats, etc. then theres no discussion. But often, its not that far over the line, and thats why its tricky.If calling HR solved everything, bullying wouldnt be a problem. But unless the behavior is egregious, its probably not going to fix the issueand may make it worse - because now you have a bully with a vendetta.From Emotional Vampires Dealing With People Who Drain You DryThe contingency that most people think about with Bullies is getting a big friend to beat them up. It could happen. If you do report the situation to an authority figure, state the facts and avoid any attempt to interpret or exaggerate. Really powerful friends disappear at the slightest hint of overreaction. No matter how reasonable you sound, you may mucksmuschenleise discover that your only friends are people with no more power than you who would love it if you took care of the Bully for them. Or lawyers. Dont waste too much time looking for big friends.And if the bully is your boss, dont expect an airstrike from senior management to save you. As Stanford professor Bob Sutton points out, most bullies kiss up and kick down. They know to get political cover before they begin tormenting.(To learn how to deal with a narcissist, click here.)You know your enemy and the HR hit squad is not going to take this person out for you. So how do you handle that next tirade?They abflug shouting and its like a flash-bang grenade went off in your head. Youradrenalin surges, you re disoriented, and fight or flight seem like the only options. Heres what you need to say. . .3. Ask for time to thinkI wanted to write stay calm but thats like telling a dieter just dont eat too much. True, but very difficult and far from helpful.From Emotional Vampires Dealing With People Who Drain You DryTo defeat Bullies, you have to do what they dont. Namely, stay cool and keep your wits about you.So when they departure shouting, ask for a secondto think. Reasonable people have no problem with that. If the bully keeps shouting, well, to anyone watching, theyre the crazy person and youre the one making arational request.Unlike the schoolyard, stalling is not going to get you punched in the mouth. So slow the encounter down.Theyre trying to provoke you butits vital you dont speak until your head is clear. You dont want toblindly react because the defaults here are not to your advantage.Fight or flight are both bad options. If you lash out or grovel, they get what they want. And youllhave taught them that bullying works.From Emotional Vampires Dealing With People Who Drain You DryBullies will be equally happy if you fight back, run away, or cringe in fear. The way to win is to do something unexpected that will jolt Bullies out of their familiar, primitive pattern and make them think about whats going on.Remember if youre emotional and have trouble thinking, then this is definitely the time when you need to be thinking.(To learn how to win with passive-aggressive people, click here.)Youre not immediately reacting. Youre getting your head straight. What else is vital that you not do?4. Dont respond to criticism or offer explanationsThis ishard to resist, but you dont want to do anything that could even be interpreted as fighting back. Thats just going to escalate the situation because theywant to fight. So dont give them anything resembling fuel.(And if it makes you feel better, this will be enormously frustrating for them.)Bernstein puts it simply Make them work hard to start a fight with you. Now most people hear this and say, But I just want to explain the situation so Wrong. Bad. Go no further.As a clinical psychologist, Bernstein knows yourexplanations are almost always veiled attacks - even if you dont realize it. But dont worry, the bully will. And theyll come right back over the top with their perspective and now youre in a fight.From Emotional Vampires Dealing With People Who Drain You DryThe typical explanation boils down to If you know all the facts, you will see that I am right and you are wrong or It wasnt my fault you should be mad at somebody else. Never mind that your explanations seem true and reasonable to you.Dont get into a debate about the past. This is not a court of law. Facts will not be verified. Focus your brain on what you want in the future, not your interpretation ofwhat has already happened.(To learn the morning ritual that will keep you happy all day, click here.)Okay, so youre not falling into any of the common traps. But theyre still yelling. Heres how to make them stop5. Say, please speak more slowly. Id like to understand.Again, a totally reasonable and polite request. Youre the rational problem solver.And no accusations are being made.From Emotional Vampires Dealing With People Who Drain You DryBullies expect you to yell back dont oblige them. If either of you is yelling, nothing reasonable will be said. Another unexpected way to get a Bully to stop yelling is by saying, Please speak more slowly. Id like to understand. Often people will comply with this request without thinking about it. Reducing the speed will also reduce the volume. Have you ever tried to yell slowly?If they keep yelling and you keep calm, who looks like the one in control? Who looks like the crazy person? Which of these people is leadership material? Exactly.(To learn the four rituals neuroscience says will make you happy, click here.)Youre calm and in control. They have to stop yelling or risk looking like an insane person. Youve done nothing to insult them or fan the flames. Now how do we move this from fight to negotiate?Heres the killshot. . .6. Ask, what would you like me to do?Youre not blindly reacting out of emotion. Youre thinking. But now you have to make them start thinking.From Emotional Vampires Dealing With People Who Drain You DryWhen you ask vampires what they want you to do, theyll have to stop and think. This may be enough to move them into the more rational part of their brains, which can only help you. If vampires are trying to conceal their real motivation, theyll have to ask you for something more acceptable than what they really want.Now you can have a rational discussion, as long as you dont backslide into accusations. Again, future focus. Dont get caught updebating history.From Emotional Vampires Dealing With People Who Drain You DryFocus on what you want to happen rather than on whats wrong with what has already happened.(To learn how hostage negotiators deal with the most difficult people and come out on top, click here.)Is most cases, that will stop the conflict. But some people will say that their bully will just keep going. They wont care about appearances. Theyll keep yelling no matter whatFair enough. Time to go nuclear7. Let contingencies do the workYou tried being calm and in control but theyre still ridingthe express train to crazy town. Some would say youre now justified in fighting back. After all no one deserves to be yelled at.But that self-righteous attitude wont get you what you want in the long haul because the only person who can enforce that rule is you. So, just as with passive-aggressives, the nuclear option is to impose costs.They want to fight. They want a entscheidung immediately. Dont give it to them. That reinforcesbad behavior. Say, Im not going to be yelled at. We can discuss this in an hour. Then leave the room.From Emotional Vampires Dealing With People Who Drain You DryIf you have to work or live with a Bull y, the most effective contingency is stating that you will not be yelled at (or called names, or whatever) and will immediately leave for a specified length of time. Then do it, without further explanation. Its always a good idea to go to a public place where youre less likely to be followed.(To learn how to develop mindfulness, click here.)Okay, weve learned a lot. Lets round it up - and find out what to do if you work someplace where youre surrounded by bulliesSum upHeres how to overcome bullies at workGet verification Before dealing with a crazy person make sure youre not a crazy person. And Know thy enemy.Unless its extreme, dont expect a White Knight All youll probably end up withis a vengeful bully.Dont respond to criticism or offer explanations Theyll see them as attacks and then youre fighting, even if youre right.Ask for time to think Get your head straight so you dontsay or do something youll regret.Say, Please speak more slowly. Id like to understand. ITS. HARD. TO. YELL . SLOWLY.Ask, What would you like me to do? Makeem think. And if they want something unreasonable, now theyll need tosay it.Let contingencies do the work Do not negotiate with terrorists. Let them know you are happy to discuss this in an hour when they are not yelling.Does your workplace have a serious bully infestation? Then you need to leave. Theres no other way.Because the real danger isnt that youll be the schoolyard punching bag - its that youll become a jerk, too. When I spoke to Stanford professorBob Suttonhe told me the 1 piece of advice he gives all his studentsWhen you take a job take a long look at the people youre going to be working with - because the odds are youre going to become like them, they are not going to become like you.You cant change them. If it doesnt fit who you are, its not going to work.And Bob is right. Research shows that all behavior - including jerkitude - is contagious.So if you cant beatem run away before you end up joining them.Join over 285,0 00 readers.Get a free weekly update via emailhere.Related postsNew Neuroscience Reveals 4 Rituals That Will Make You HappyNew Harvard Research Reveals A Fun Way To Be More SuccessfulHow To Get People To Like You 7 Ways From An FBI Behavior ExpertThis article originally appeared at Barking Up the Wrong Tree.